Posted by: Chadam | October 31, 2009

The TF2 Storyline

sanShortly after the TF2 Halloween Update, a number of TF2 conspiracy theorists discovered the very storyline of the game. Below is the will of Zephaniah Mann, the previous owner of Mann Co. and the very battlegrounds of the game. It can be found through a hidden link on the Halloween Update page.

I, Zephaniah Mann, being of sound mind, so hereby vow to haunt the earth as a horrifying poltergeist, until such time as I have quenched my all-consuming thirst for vengeance against he world, and especially against my dunderhead sons.
If it takes a brave man to admit he is in error, then surely a man willing to admit both of his sons are stumble-bum muttonheads is twice as brave. It was they who convinced me to spend the entirety of my sizeable fortune purchasing land in the unclaimed frontier of the Americas, in the hope of expanding our weapons concern to the uncolonized westernmost regions. Many tales did they whisper in my too credulous ears, of gravel as far as the eye can see, for any man with strong back and iron spirit to harness. Long did I dream of transforming these virgin lands, and its vast holes, into the worlds most majestic and profitable pits of gravel. But when at last we arrived, we only found “fool’s gravel” — my nitwit sons had purchased a continent-sized parcel of sand! It is here in this wind-swept desert hell that I fear I shall breathe my last.

Since moving from my Cambridgeshire estate to the untamed frontier I have contracted putrid fever, bilious fever, blackwater fever, green fever, spotted fever — even womb fever, as a complication from a serious bout of superfluous uterus. On our sailing trip to the new world I contracted white plague, marasmus, sweating sickness, deplumatious tumors of the eyelids, pleurisy membranous croup and scarlet rash; during the drive west I contracted brain itch, stomatitus, and blood poisoning; since settling our estate I have contracted falling sickness, walking sickness, stationary sickness, shingles, jaundiced spine and skull bloat. I contracted scirvener’s palsy in the writing of this last will & testament. Possessing no paper in this godforsaken frontier, I have penned this on my own skin, which has sloughed off in quantity since contracting impetigo.

To the foul-smelling, uneducated simpletons of the untamed Americas, I leave only this curse — as weapons have caused my downfall, so will it engineer the downfall of any soul who puts one to use near my restless grave. Shoot over my bones, and I shall visit upon you a haunting the likes of which you have never seen.
To my dearest maidservant Elizabeth I leave the rest and residue of my estate — including all deeds, accounts, debts public and private — my tobacco plantation — and what remains of the fortune my addle-pated sons have squandered. Find the gravel that I was unable to find! Honor me by placing it inside a pit!
To my faithful aide and tracker, Barmabas Hale of the savage Australias, I divest complete control of the Mann & Sons Munitions Concern. You procured the poppy flowers required for the medicines that gave me succor from the pains of my many warring ailments. It has been pleasant to not shriek myself to sleep.
To my layabout, brain defective sons, Blutarch and Redmond, I leave the greatest curse of all — partnership. What land I have purchased in this new world is to be split evenly between you both. You have wasted your lives bickering over nothing and so I leave you dimwits something of consequence over which to feed.
Lastly, to [obscured text due to sand] I leave the entirety of my [obscured text due to sand] and swear you to utmost secrecy in its keeping.
God and His angels will have to drag me screaming to Heaven. I do not want to die! Damn you all to hell!

If you read the will, you’ll notice that Zephaniah Mann was the very owner of TF2 itself before passing away and leaving it to his two dim-witted sons, Blutarch and Redmond. Incase you havn’t noticed, the TF2 teams were named after them- BLU and RED. Notice how they bear the team colors. That’s right, the only reason the war of TF2 is going on is because Z.M.’s two sons are fighting for control of their father’s land. But this is not all, a family portrait of the Mann family was also found.

Photo’s and more about the true story of TF2 after the break!


Many conspiract theorists agree that the woman in this portrait, Elizabeth, is the Announcer. As to why she stuck around Z.M.’s purchased land and continues to narrorate the battles, this is not known. Saxton Hale’s ancestor, Barnabas Hale, can also be seen at the left of the picture and a possible reference to the fake Guard Dog Update can be seen on the floor. But there is one more person, the one who received the last, unknown part of Z.M.’s will. He can be seen at the right, although not completely. This could mean that TF2 now has its own version of the Gman.

Lastly, the default map cycle has been changed to possibly reference Z.M.’s journey through America. It starts with cp_gravelpit and ends in koth_harvest (his grave). Valve even hid a medium sized ammo box under cap point C in gravelpit, since this is the site where he wanted to be buried. Below is the recently changed map list, could there be a hidden message or clues hidden throughout the very maps of the game? You decide!




  1. Wow. Just wow.


    this picture was published November 8, 2008

  3. Ah yes, that’s what Valve based the Announcer’s looks on.

  4. wow great blog post. was too lazy to read the hidden link, didnt know it would be this interesting.

    • this is a great addition to the blog eh? chadam’s the man.

      btw. dosn’t the 2 sons in the photos look suspiciously like the spy? about the right body size, about the right clothing style, and both are wearing the bowlers hat (a spy unlock). just a passing thought.

  5. It also kind of looks like Zephaniah when he’s dying is wearing a ghastly gibus, also, doesn’t this mean he is the headless horseman?

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